Remembering Our First

Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. 

I wrote a few years ago about our first pregnancy, one that did not end as beautifully as Declan's.

 It was short-lived, but filled with dreams and excitement and hopes and love. 

Our little Juan Carlos. 

Our bittersweet miracle after months of trying. 

Tonight I light a candle, remember those weeks, and hold that sweet lost baby in my heart. 

Losing What You Barely Had

(It's wordy and not well proofed, but was much needed to heal.)

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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I'm Scared of Sh*t

{here i am. blissfully unaware. oh, to go back.}

Blog Every Day in May Challenge

Day 7/31 - The thing(s) you're most afraid of

This is a prompt that I could get serious on- my fears of someone I love getting cancer or my deep fear of failure that sometimes holds me back- but in honor of the baby's birthday (Saturday, by the way, in case you haven't sent your presents) I thought back over my first-time mom fears. Sure, there were those quick jolts awake thinking I'd smooshed him even though he was rooms away or the worries that he'd stopped breathing, but today I want to talk about something far worse: mama's first post-baby poop.

Friends, no one told me. I went into this unaware. Blinders officially on. I had the baby, healed a bit in the hospital, was handed some pain meds and headed on home. It was only upon closer inspection that I realized one of my prized medicines was a softener. I stood there, bottle in hand, mentally counting the days since I'd pood, and realized three was quite a few.

So I took those pills faithfully. That day, the next, and even the next. We'd made it to six days, and still nothing. It was brutal. The waiting, the uncertainty, the fear. Surely all that I had eaten wasn't going to the milk, was it? But heavens above, please let it be. Because six days worth would be... downright frightful.

Let's just say it was bad. Like, they need to explain when you're discharged that you'll be repeating the experience bad. Like, take your pain meds before it happens bad.

You're ceviche, my friends. Ceviche and swollen and muscles are shot. And then this?! Unfair.

Good news is I made it through. And I'll make it through again. You will too. It's not quite as scary as recounted above. It's just the anticipation and the unknown. And the severe discomfort. There is that too. But keep in mind that you've just given birth and are sustaining a little human being. You're kinda, totally superwoman, and you can take this poo on properly.

Plus, unlike me, you'll be armed with knowledge and preparedness that's not usually given.
So for that I say, "You're welcome."

**Hop on over to Story of My Life for more of day 7!**

*I'd like to give a shout-out to my new found friend, Shaylynn. Without her assistance in this matter, I would not have had excrement on my mind so much. Check her out. She's pretty great.*

(And Shay, sorry for the post. It's the truth, and sometimes that just hurts.)

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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Takin' It Easy

We had our first labor scare this weekend. Everything is totally fine: no hospitals were visited, no major meltdowns ensued, and no water broke. But it was a wide and clear wake up call that this baby is coming. And according to my body and doctors, he could have been coming any day now for the past two and a half weeks. This long wait makes it seem even less likely that "any day" is today, when in all actuality it makes it more likely since we simply are running out of time! So when I started having contractions and back pain in a breastfeeding class (so helpful and useful, by the way) I realized that I have not actually thought about the possibility that my mom won't be here. And when it really hit home that if the baby made his big debut last night that my mom would not be there, that the house was dirty, that the bag wasn't packed (I have everything stacked now, okay?? Baby steps. *pun most certainly intended*), let's just say that I kind of started to panic a bit. Everything became real. The fact that I had been working hard to clean the car all morning and then not eating enough and pushing myself to go to the class flew in my face in a "Why couldn't I just have waited until WEDNESDAY?!" kind of moment, where reality was a bit of a suckerpunch to the gut... Or that could have been the contractions. But we will go with reality.

The fact is simply that my mom arrives Wednesday afternoon and I am keeping my legs crossed until then. I'm sending the little guy lots of vibes and texts telling him that an earlier arrival is inappropriate. And I'm definitely realizing that when the doctors are wrong and we are sitting around the house at 41 weeks cursing time and heat, I might rue these words. But really, things like cleaning the house or packing a bag are pretty surmountable issues compared to getting a private jet to shuttle my mom down on a moments notice. And moms can be kind of priceless. So in waiting for Wednesday I am just going to take it easy. 

Taking it easy = trying not to go stir crazy = 

- Blog post extravaganza!

- A big two-thumbs up for Moneyball

- Taking my first (and maybe last?!) pregnant float in our neighborhood pool

- Prepping cloth diapers for a total of six hours

- Hoping that Lifetime is showing Grey's Anatomy reruns from 12-3 this week

- Attempting to pop out some home-knit wonders

What can I say Austin? I lead a wild and crazy life. But watch out... Come Wednesday, it is on like full-term pregnant donkey kong!

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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Packing the Bag

I'm feeling pretty pregnant. Let me be clear: I'm not complaining. I have had one of the easiest pregnancies since I got through first trimester sickness, am still not huge at all, and have a healthy baby inside of me. But there are times when I'm pretty uncomfortable. Like when I'm sitting in my car or trying to pick something up and my ribs hit my uterus and I can't go farther. Times when he is stretching to all get-out and just needs more space. Times when I sneeze in bed and feel like my abs are ripping in two. In moments like these, I just feel like two boobs and a bump.

But then there are those amazing times where I look down to see my belly moving in crazy ways with a little life inside of it. Where I feel a jab and meet it with my fingers, getting to hold his little foot for the seconds before he takes it away. Where I am walking through the city on a warm day, breeze blowing around me, birds chirping and sun aglow, and I know that I am more lucky than I will ever realize. And these moments are just so sweet and pure that I don't want this to end, for him to come into the world, for me not to feel him trying to expand his home well past its limits.

I am at a bittersweet point where things are winding down. The nursery is basically finished, the major items are in place and ready to go, classes have wrapped up, and now we wait. When I really think hard about the fact that I am about to have a child, a little blend of myself and the man I love, I can barely keep the tears from flowing. I remember all of the years I've imagined this moment and I just can not believe that it's here. I cry when I imagine the birth and seeing his beautiful face for the first time, but I also cry when I think of what I'm losing.

As an impatient person I typically want things to happen now. I moved cross country within two months of deciding that Austin was where I was meant to be, returned to school on a whim, and got married with just four months of engagement. So imagining nine months of being pregnant was tough to grasp at first. Yet I realized that once he is here I can't go back, and I've been trying to make the most of every day of life as I know it. Three more weeks is just a drop in a bucket. While I'm sure my future life will be richer than I can even begin to comprehend, I really love my life now as well. It is hard to imagine that one moment will change everything so irrevocably, for better or worse, and there is no going back. I love the idea of entering this new stage but hate letting go of what is.

So maybe this is why I haven't packed the bag. While Peyton keeps reminding me (understandably) that we need to get the hospital bag ready and waiting, I keep dragging my feet. Maybe it's simply that I'm a procrastinator and being lazy. Or that I haven't found the perfect nightgown to hold my baby in the first night. But I think deep down that it's a refusal to really accept what is about to happen, to open my arms and embrace the changes ahead. It's me trying to suck in the little bit of time left where Tegan is my only baby and I can shower whenever I desire. However excited I am to meet him, I am trusting my gut to enjoy these few precious days. And I'm glad I've fought the impatience and soaked in this year. I'm so happy to be able to say that I've experienced pregnancy yet sad to realize that my first time is almost done. But whether I like it or not, I'm almost there, and the bag must be packed.

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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And We've Hit The Third Trimester!

I haven't been good about keeping up with the pregnancy on here. As in, this is my first post on it. Ever. The problem with Pinterest is I see so many great ideas to do when I'm pregnant, getting married again (juuust kidding forever husband o' mine), or getting the craft itch that I just can't tackle them all. And I know that I'm not tackling them all. And that makes me sad. But some is definitely better than none, and I am good at doing some. So here is a late start to the weekly pregnancy updates that I would love to keep. Fingers crossed that I post another within the month! :)

Craving: Cauliflower. I've been roasting it with lemon and garlic and holy moly, it is simply take your pants off good.
Memorable pregnancy moment: The first time I decided I needed ice cream was at 27 weeks and I somehow was the one to run into the store at 9:45pm, in the rain, while my husband sat in the car... He's lucky that the cookie dough was just delish.
Favorite Part of Being Pregnant: Feeling our little man kick. And roll. And hiccup. Annnd jab. He's a mover and a shaker I tell ya!
Least Favorite Part: The anticipation of what's coming... Not the baby, just the process that brings that sucker out.
Surprising Part: My belly just isn't that big which makes it harder to realize that I am really pregnant and that I will have a baby in roughly 11 weeks...
Preparations: Been working on the nursery but hit a road bump with the floor, which basically means hours more time on Peyton's part while I'm out of the house. It also means that the nursery is further from being done than when we started...
Looking Forward To: My Baltimore baby shower this weekend!!

So there's my look at 29 weeks! Overall I'm feeling really great and just shocked that I will have a baby in just mere weeks. Kind of mind blowing...

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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