Remembering Our First

Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. 

I wrote a few years ago about our first pregnancy, one that did not end as beautifully as Declan's.

 It was short-lived, but filled with dreams and excitement and hopes and love. 

Our little Juan Carlos. 

Our bittersweet miracle after months of trying. 

Tonight I light a candle, remember those weeks, and hold that sweet lost baby in my heart. 

Losing What You Barely Had

(It's wordy and not well proofed, but was much needed to heal.)

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be...

I owe you a story that I told you I would tell a week ago. Didn't happen. The story is about a marathon, my first marathon in fact. 

But before I delve into the fascinating deets, let me tell you about a new little non-link-up, link-up that I'm doing on Wednesdays called Whatever Wednesdays.

To spritz us with a little May spirit, Shay and Alissa came up with the idea to have a topic every Wednesday sent out by email a few days before, which we all would then blog about. 

No link-ups. Just writing. Easy peasy!

Today's topic: firsts.

Be cool and join in by emailing whateverwednesdays@yahoo.com. And if you're already in the pack, make sure to leave a comment below so I can come over and have a looksy!

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When people ask if I ran a marathon, I become a shifty little critter, since I can't truly do that term justice. I make it clear that I completed a marathon, and while I ran the vast majority of the way, my pace might not actually fit the running category. To prove my point, I tell this little tale...

Marathons bring interesting people. Lots of runners (obviously), some walkers and some people who like to be noticed, like those dressed as the Village People or juggling balls while they run. At the beginning of my race, in the midst of thousands of people, I passed one such person, a juggler, and jovially told my friend that at least we could beat him. I mean, please. He's juggling. We merrily trotted away, one foot in front of the other.

Until it truly became one foot in front of the other. For miles. I'm talking, I hit the wall at 17 miles and never got out. Those bricks were smacking me in the face, my feet were cement, and my mind was just screaming. I hated life, I hated the world, I hated every. single. choice I had made that got me there. And I really, super hated the fact that I had 9 miles to go. So one foot in front of the other it was for what was truly an excruciating distance.

When I heard that hope was right around the corner, a fire lit inside me and I ran. I truly ran, sprinting as hard as my legs could pump at this point. Around the bend I went, the curve that just never seemed to end, until I ended up in a tunnel that clearly was not the finish line. And I saw up ahead the 26 mile marker, meaning I had about a quarter mile left, or what I believed I had left about half a mile ago. Slowing, my lungs started screaming for oxygen, and that dang sports induced asthma that I so rarely got jumped on board my train.

So there I was, fighting to breathe, walking for the first time in miles, seriously contemplating sitting down with about .2 miles to go because I just couldn't fight the frustration and tears. Mind over matter though friends, mind over matter. That's what gets you through those last 6 miles. And as my mind took control and I went back to trudging my slug of a body to the finish line, a voice rang out on the loud speaker: "And here he is now! The juggling man!!!"

He beat me. The man juggled, JUGGLED, the entire 26.2 miles while RUNNING, and he beat me. And to pour salt in that danged wound, he made sure to beat me by just enough that I would hear it announced. Bastard. That's all I have to say to you juggling man. You're a mean, mean man. And don't you be thinkin' my tears at the end were 'cause you beat me. No sir! I just had a bug in my eye. (And pained toenails and knees and lungs and cells.)

So friends. My message to you in all of this is please, for the good of mankind and the hearts of us slower-paced folk, do not let your kids grow up to be juggling runners.

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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And I Will Try To Fix You

And with this, so concludes the...

Blog Every Day in May Challenge.

Day 31/31 - A vivid memory. 

Disclaimer: This is not a memory of my wedding day. This is a memory of a single moment and the reasons why that moment was so powerful. I look back on that day and smile. I smile the biggest smile that my face can hold. It had a rough start, but became a day full of so much love and laughter that I could barely soak it all in. Our wedding was gorgeous, our reception was magical, and I would JUMP to do it all again. And one day I will write about ALL the good, when I have the time and energy to get that massive quantity down.

That being said, this memory is the hardest to share. It is/was so emotional, in a way that words can't explain. We both knew as it was happening that this was the moment to look down on from above, to lock into a safe place forever. It was beautiful and heart-wrenching, but it wrapped our day up perfectly. I loved it and loathed it and this song still has the power to bring it all rushing back.

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Our day did not start as planned. It was not full of love, it was not full of manis and pedis and mimosas and crisp, clean robes. It was full of utter exhaustion, tears of frustration and words a bit harsh as we tore around getting things done: tables set up, chairs unfolded, everything in the perfect place for the occasion. It was one of the worst mornings of my life, hard and draining and not the way I wanted my day to begin.

But we made it through. We got past the rough morning to say "I do," sealing our love and promises with a kiss. We took photos, made speeches, twirled around the dance floor and laughed with everyone we love. It was exhilarating and it was beautiful. The biggest high I could imagine.

When night had fallen and only the partiers remained, we got on the dance floor once more together, to the song that was too sad to be our first. Lights twinkled above, the late September air wrapped itself around us, and we let ourselves go to the song written for that day- Fix You.

How I wish it didn't fit. How I wish that I didn't have pent-up emotions to release or things to work through. But I did. While it had been blindingly beautiful, it had also been hard.  It had been ours. Our wedding, our day. The joy and pain were so deeply intertwined. I was raw and had no energy to start sifting through. But this song spoke to me. It allowed a little chunk to come loose, to make its way down me and through him. It shouldered some of the burden and allowed for apologies, both spoken and un.

So as tears rolled down my face on that dance floor, Peyton pulled me closer, whispering the words I so needed to hear. The lights guided us home to each other, right there spinning around. And I may not have known if lessons would be learned or how I would let this go, but I did know that he was there. He was there and he wanted to help. And this song, this heartbreakingly beautiful song, was doing its best to fix me with every word.

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Coldplay - Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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Heartbreak Town

Day 29/31 - Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories.

I've been so, so, SO looking forward to this one. Like a kindergartener looks forward to glitter. And that's a lot. 

But friends, I am tired. And this is easy. So many songs speak to me. So many. At the bottom are a few mellow ones that just shoot straight to my heart. They all take me back to my move five years ago. To round that off I've included a piece I wrote on this very thing that I love to go back to every now and then.

Enjoy.

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(the corresponding song for below)

A Moment Between Lady Gaga and Usher

I'm driving down the road, wind blowing in my hair, enjoying this day, this life, this moment, when all of a sudden a few notes introduce a new song and today slips from around me. Within ten seconds, and a "Could you whisper in my ear..." I am fourteen in a tent in a pitch dark forest. Next to me my best friend Allison is curled up in her sleeping bag with just bought Wal-Mart sweats protecting her from the unexpected cold. We all thought that Orlando would be hot during spring break; sure showed us. I know there is silence around me as the wildlife begins its slumber, but what little noise there is I can't hear through the rhythm in my ears coming from my discman. With this song, these words, I am pouring my heart out to my first love on Hello Kitty stationary as blue as the sky. I tell him I miss him, how I love him, how I wish he were there. I fill one page, two pages, three. I gush and want and need. And I do; I feel all of these things in my fourteen year old heart and my reminiscing mind. "...Oh, May, do you wanna get married and run away?" I do, I do, I do. "I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all..." Our lives are planned; our love is fixed. My heart and mind know nothing else but him and our future and what we have. How could that change? How could something so entrenched in our beings disappear?

Because of this thing called Life. Because as real as everything is at fourteen, we don't see that changes come at us like bullets from all angles. They are big and small and creep in from every corner. And we can't fight them because we aren't prepared. We don't know how to protect ourselves and our most coveted treasures: our love, our relationships, our feelings. We just live it and take it and make it through better and stronger. We come out equipped and ready to face the upcoming storms. But life isn't the same, and most of our treasures are gone. Those that make it through are more deeply entrenched, yet we are stripped of so much. So we rebuild, and we renew, and we use our lessons to cherish and protect the new blessed things thoroughly. And one day we look back at what we had, the innocence and the experiences and the love, and can't believe we were ever there.

Our new lives are wonderful and lived with even more vigor since we know they are precious. But how can we not long for what was, what shaped us, what brought us here? For those times that slipped by without us even realizing they were special? For times that were mundane and every day and "normal"? In life all you take are memories, and all too often they are these trivial ones that you can't shake. They recede to the deep, dark corners of your mind and leap out at you when you least expect them. They take you, body and soul, to a place so real, so good, and so missed that they leave you wanting to buy a return flight to a nonexistent destination. They're done; they're over. But luckily your mind saw the beauty occurring long ago and buried them in songs.  And for those few minutes you can close your eyes and be enveloped again.

So keep listening and keep living. It's comforting to know that your mind looks out for you and holds what you can't consciously. Who knows what we will remember ten years from now, what tent a song will carry us to. What can be assured is these memories will be bittersweet. They will be part of you. And like my song today told me, they will be "little pieces of nothing that fall." Take those moments to breathe them in, and then get back to living your glorious life so down the road you'll still have today. 

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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Stay

Blog Every Day in May

Day 25/31 - Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget.

There they stood. Two people in a crowd. Two people drawn together by life, tied together by kisses, and wondering what the future held. She was one for words, oodles of words that could take up pages and fill up rooms. He was one for actions, time being the very best gift.

The Austin skyline lit their view standing on that rooftop deck. It was his city; she was just testing the waters. She had needed change, a little shaking up. New people, new experiences, a new opportunity to wipe it all clean and start over. So she moved. With a car and a dog and a trunk full of goods, she crossed the country with hopes to find whatever it was she was looking for.

She wasn't sure what she had found, but she was sure she was happy. It had been right, that much she knew. But he wasn't clear. He held her, he kissed her, his eyes smiled every time they met hers, but he wasn't ready to commit. He wasn't ready to take that leap, to lay his cards down to let her see. He was cautious. He was quiet. He was logical, but love defies logic.

So that night, that clear, warm, August night, when he pulled her to him as though she was his, she couldn't help but smile. It felt right. This night felt right. He'd realize it too, it was in those cards.

"I hope you'll stay. I hope you'll stay for a while."

Not an I love you, not even a commitment, but enough of his heart to show that she was right where she was meant to be. And that this place that had called her to it was indeed exactly what she'd been looking for.

**Linking to On Your Heart and Just Write.**

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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The Dawning of a Musical Miracle

Blog Every Day in May

Day 18/31 - Tell a story from your childhood.

"What's Napster?" Kathryn asked, seeing the little green face on my desktop.

"No idea. Robert told me to download it months ago. It's so confusing that I just leave it alone."

There we sat in my lime green room, Backstreet Boys watching over us from a prime spot on my wall while Christina Aguilera set the mood, trying to figure out what this Napster thing was all about without the help of (then nonexistent) Google. After many minutes spent waiting on load bars and answering AIM pings and trying to figure out exactly what song we wanted, somehow we ended up with two: Video Killed the Radio Star and Tony Orlando's Knock Three Times.

I have no idea how we got them. I'd never heard of either.

We danced around in our Old Navy bell bottoms and belted lyrics like it was our job, adding the Dixie Chicks version of Can't Hurry Love about an hour in. We were ahead of the game, taking technology by the reins and letting loose. CDs be damned- we could get any song we chose.  Well, any song that we chose and could find and actually had an adequate version of but pshhh...  minor details.

High on our Tony Orlando loving horse, we called it a night, leaving ten songs in the queue and waking up to three usable ones in the morning. It was the dawning of a new decade, and it was nothing short of a miracle.

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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Story of My Life, Condensed Like Sweet Milk

Here I am. The first of May, sitting down to start this freakin' challenge. I have banana nut muffin pancakes in my belly and eyelids that are just a bit too heavy. The baby is sleeping, the husband is still sleeping, and I am going to persevere and tell you the story of my life in roughly 250 words.

I was born on January 30, 1987 in Baltimore, Maryland to a mid-western mother and British father. Their love of traveling is now instilled in me, and I’m thankful to have been taken exploring as a child. Beyond that, my childhood was pretty true to the region- firefly catching at dusk, running barefoot in alleys, sailing on the bay, wearing pajamas inside-out-and-backwards to bring on the snow then tunneling through on the rare times it did. My friends and I were entrepreneurs- holding yard sales and pet sitting services and sending off inspired beanie baby ideas. Most of this actually hasn't changed.

I went to my neighborhood Catholic grade school and a Lutheran high school. My father is agnostic, mother is Quaker, and husband is atheist, so there are quite a few religious viewpoints welled up in my mind, the combination of which has led to a belief that love and kindness are what matter most.

When Charm City life got stale (at the ripe old age of 21), my pup and I up and moved to Austin, TX. In those five years I met and married my beau, finished my undergrad degree, had a dashing baby, and bought a house. I still miss my mom and home on the regular, will never truly be a Texan, and rarely feel like I'm doing enough. But I love Austin, love my family, and really, truly love my chosen path.

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And so concludes day one. 

Can I get a what-WHAT!

Baby is now up and splashing in the dog water bowl for the 123rd time since discovery approximately 22 hours ago, so I think it's time to peace.

Until tomorrow,

**Make sure to go check out others' stories at Story Of My Life!**

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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Ring in the Reflections and Renewal

2:00 a.m. last night found me changing a screaming baby out of soaking clothes. (If there's one thing that Dex hates in life, it's getting his midnight snack delayed.) As I stood there, trying to wrestle him dry, having long ago given up on the pacifier that was doing nothing but adding time to the experience, I realized that the city was alive with drunk strangers celebrating a fresh start. Visions of confetti flying, girls in golds and silvers and guys in 2013 top hats filled my head. The world alive in phases full of dancing, kissing, cheering, and merriment. Luckily jealousy was nowhere to be found, as the desire for sleep and a soothed baby topped all. "Happy new year, sweet boy," I whispered as he finally nestled against me.

What an amazing year to be ending, and an even more exciting one up ahead. While I have resolved not to make any resolutions, because making them seems to make them that much less likely to stay put, I do see each year as a fresh start. After the coziness of the holidays and the gathering of stuff, the new year brings a time to cleanse and purge. Organize. Clean. Appreciate. It brings a sense of knowing what you have, seeing what you can accomplish, and hands out new energy to get there.

Today I will look excitedly at the possibilities this year brings. I will try to organize my life and plans, getting what I can lined up to feel my future appropriately controlled. I think there is peace in having things scheduled- the mani/pedi marked down for tomorrow, our flight times and confirmation scratched in, and all the bills for the upcoming months flagged. This control allows opportunities for more spontaneity. It ushers me forward to enjoy the days, rather than worry that I'm forgetting a tidbit that will bite me later. 

With this planning though I will also reflect. I will look at the year that brought me here. The year that was good down to the core. While our blog has quite a few events missing (such is life as a bad blogger), it does manage to show some important moments. If you're new, I hope you get to know us a bit better. If you're a follower, thank you so much for journeying with us. 

Without further ado, here's a rundown of our 2012. 

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JANUARY

Alas, no blog posts. My mom, Tegan, and I drove cross-country from Baltimore to Austin to enjoy a bit more time together sans baby. Thoughts of boy nurseries swirled in my head. And I ended the month off celebrating my first quarter century with a fantastic group of friends at the Clay Pit. 

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FEBRUARY

I made some resolutions for my 25th year. (I kind of dread actually going back through those...) And we shared our first sewing project: the super easy DIY dog bed. 

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MARCH

The third trimester marked my first posts on pregnancy, here and here. It also included my last solo trip to Baltimore for our wonderful baby shower. Peyton kept himself from missing me too much by beginning work on the nursery, but that is a post that is yet to be posted. A llllong time coming, I know. 

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APRIL

To usher in a new season and new life, we did a quick house update by freshening up the front door. The back bedroom was in a state of renewal as well with paint all over, new furniture, and fun finds. Instead of posting these updates, I decided to procrastinate and enjoy life as a pregnant chica, which included seeing friends at another great shower for our little man.

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MAY

Well, we had a baby, five short days after squeezing in my maternity photos and praying that my mom would make it in time. She did, and on May 11th at 9:27am we all welcomed sweet Declan into the world. What an amazing, amazing time those next few weeks were, and while filled with loads of happiness and pictures, they were also bittersweet. Overall I learned to always try and soak in the '"now". 

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JUNE

As can be imagined, our main focus was sweet boy, but we also managed to enjoy our first family trip and begin the weekly photo project.

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JULY

Baltimore. Athens. Baltimore. Yay, yay, yay! Declan got to meet lots and lots of friends and add two new states to his already growing list of travels. He transitioned out of his stretching/grunting baby phase to adding smiles and little "heh heh" laughs. 

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AUGUST

It hit me that I have now become old while far too young, Declan slept through the night for the first time (that would have been nice last night...), and we filled our month with baby love and relaxation.

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SEPTEMBER

Declan turned four months and added laughing to his growing list of achievements. Peyton showed off his woodworking skills with a beautiful handmade gift for D. And my money spending desires were quashed by well thought up husband tactics. 

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OCTOBER

Austin City Limits came and went, Peyton added another year to his life resume, and we actually posted TWO things (one and two) for the pinterest challenge! The whole month ended by celebrating Declan's first halloween with fantastic family coordinated costumes.

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NOVEMBER

America had that little thing called an election, and even though we voted early, I still got caught up in the day. Declan got his first two teeth, ate his first food, and then six weeks of travel began along with an unplanned blogging hiatus. We celebrated Thanksgiving in Bristol where Declan was loved on lots by his Nana and Papaw and then we were lucky enough to help with the gorgeous wedding of Preeti and Brian.

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DECEMBER

Baltimore and Bristol. Sickness and sleep. Present buying and wrapping. Declan's first Christmas! There was snow before and after the day itself, a wonderfully crisp walk in the park day of, and lots of game playing all around. Declan enjoyed the month by mastering circles and backward scooting and is currently testing his legs by jumping fiercely. 

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WHEW!! And that is why you want the new year to be a fresh start. Looking back at the year before is exhausting stuff (if you even made it this far!).  How lucky we are though to be able to say it was ours. 

What are your thoughts on New Year? Are you a reflector, purger, resolution maker? Or do you think it's all silly and arbitrary? I'd love to see any recaps you have of 2012, or hear any 2013 plans!

And in the wise words of Jimmy, "Have a very fruitful (365) day(s)!"

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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A Modern Mixed Tape

I'm one of those people who play songs over and over until you just want to bash your head against the dashboard the next time you hear it on the radio. It's like kids and food. They love, love, LOVE cereal and are always running out, but it's a guarantee that as soon as you buy four boxes, it's the most disgusting thing they've ever seen. Seriously, who hasn't this happened to?

That being said, I'm trying to be adult here and grow out of this stage of musical listening, but it's hard. What's amazing is that no matter how many times I've listened to a certain playlist, I will not remember it a few months down the line. That's why mix cd's were so important to my individual history. Yet, being a technologically developed gal and all, I don't really do those anymore.

So what happens when I upgrade computers and save the playlists?! Who knows! I sure as one never find them, and too many memories of dances, kisses, tears, and simply times have been lost to the great technological abyss. I may be technologically developed in some ways, but computers and memory and the internet are simply magic. Magic, I say!

In an attempt to keep these treasured goods in the family to be passed down for generations to come, I am going to document them on this here blog. There's nothing sweeter than finding a forgotten song, cranking it loud, and being transported to a time (such as this) that helped shape you. So this is my mixed tape for me.

{need help deciphering? just ask!}

Remember, sharing is caring. The best part of posting my tunes on here is getting some back from you! So please, do tell- What songs can you not get enough of? Do any of these jingles get your toes tapping too? Do you love dancing around blasting old mixes? Do you still make cd's so that you can always have a hard copy to love on? 

I love hearing new music and returning to some throwbacks, so spread the love!

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Some Beautiful People in a Beautiful Place

When Declan was just an itty-bitty five weeks old we were lucky enough to be welcomed to Pensacola by my cousin Andrew and his lovely girlfriend Kim. We savored five days of beach, sun, sailing, good food, and even better people. Leaving was hard, but knowing that more fun will ensue when they come to visit (yes?!) makes it a bit easier. So thank you, thank you, thank you Andrew and Kim for hosting us. Austin demands a trip in return!

Love you guys!

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And Then He Was Held...

By family. By friends. By a little girl who has mama coded in her genes. And it was good and sweet and charming. Thank you all, both pictured and non, for loving us.

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