Thursday, August 28, 2014

a sloppy mess of thirty minute thoughts

Every day I ache to get on here. every day. And when I say ache, I truly must mean the thought passes my mind when Sybil accomplishes one of her firsts or Declan adds to his shelf of Adorable Antics. And then I realize that my sliver of time for me, that hour at night when things are as good as I'm going to get them and children are quietly in bed, when I decide that as much as I want sleep maybe catching up on one show or having a little conversation with my husband is more important, well it's hard to place this blog in that sliver.

What I don't think you hear enough these days is how hard parenting two young children is. It's hard. Really hard. Or maybe I'm just whining. I mean, we do it because what choice is there. You're in the weeds and you're doing all you can to keep your head up. Whether staying at home or working away life is busy and messy and full of guilt for whatever. Maybe, just maybe, if you have extra money to pay for a clean house and good food and some time alone then it might not be quite as hard, but you'd still probably end up feeling guilty for not scrubbing the toilets yourself.

Even in the extreme busyness though, this summer has been lovely. I've been to Tennessee, Baltimore (twice!), Bethany Beach, Michigan, and California. I started a new job. I soaked in family weekends and stayed up late to enjoy the warm summer air. I bathed myself in chlorine as Declan flew down the froggy water slide just one more time and drank a few more morning cups of coffee as aftermath of spending some quality feeds with my girl in the darkness. I flew seven times (not counting transfers), drove two road trips with both kids, and packed for three of us seven times in two weeks. All of this to say, I sucked the marrow right out of summer 2014 and am ready for some fall.

Fall is that time to pack it in. To sit at home on your couch catching up on shows. To hug more, cuddle more, cook more. To organize and restart. It's a much needed sigh after a summer of go, go, go.

And each year at this time I miss home. Baltimore in the fall is idyllic. So crisp, so collegiate. I always ache to go back, but more than that, I ache to be a child. I want to relive those first weeks of school, the soccer practices followed by home made pizza. I want to be sitting on the couch with the tv on, scribbling down some homework as I try to block out the sounds of NPR in the warm kitchen while my mom makes dinner. This wave washes over me every September like clockwork.

And I see that one day I won't be as busy, or at least not with diapers and rocking and nursing. One day I will go back to that life, whether in Austin or Baltimore or somewhere else unknown. And even though it won't be quite the same, I'll be the one working the day away as I knead some dough, I'll get to give my children these same moments of comfort and belonging. I get to be the mom. And then all this busyness has been worth it.

(and now pictures. just because.)

Go soak up this last weekend of summer and then let's welcome fall with open arms and cozy couches. Whaddya say?