Friday, May 31, 2013

And I Will Try To Fix You

And with this, so concludes the...

Blog Every Day in May Challenge.

Disclaimer: This is not a memory of my wedding day. This is a memory of a single moment and the reasons why that moment was so powerful. I look back on that day and smile. I smile the biggest smile that my face can hold. It had a rough start, but became a day full of so much love and laughter that I could barely soak it all in. Our wedding was gorgeous, our reception was magical, and I would JUMP to do it all again. And one day I will write about ALL the good, when I have the time and energy to get that massive quantity down.

That being said, this memory is the hardest to share. It is/was so emotional, in a way that words can't explain. We both knew as it was happening that this was the moment to look down on from above, to lock into a safe place forever. It was beautiful and heart-wrenching, but it wrapped our day up perfectly. I loved it and loathed it and this song still has the power to bring it all rushing back.


Our day did not start as planned. It was not full of love, it was not full of manis and pedis and mimosas and crisp, clean robes. It was full of utter exhaustion, tears of frustration and words a bit harsh as we tore around getting things done: tables set up, chairs unfolded, everything in the perfect place for the occasion. It was one of the worst mornings of my life, hard and draining and not the way I wanted my day to begin.

But we made it through. We got past the rough morning to say "I do," sealing our love and promises with a kiss. We took photos, made speeches, twirled around the dance floor and laughed with everyone we love. It was exhilarating and it was beautiful. The biggest high I could imagine.

When night had fallen and only the partiers remained, we got on the dance floor once more together, to the song that was too sad to be our first. Lights twinkled above, the late September air wrapped itself around us, and we let ourselves go to the song written for that day- Fix You.

How I wish it didn't fit. How I wish that I didn't have pent-up emotions to release or things to work through. But I did. While it had been blindingly beautiful, it had also been hard.  It had been ours. Our wedding, our day. The joy and pain were so deeply intertwined. I was raw and had no energy to start sifting through. But this song spoke to me. It allowed a little chunk to come loose, to make its way down me and through him. It shouldered some of the burden and allowed for apologies, both spoken and un.

So as tears rolled down my face on that dance floor, Peyton pulled me closer, whispering the words I so needed to hear. The lights guided us home to each other, right there spinning around. And I may not have known if lessons would be learned or how I would let this go, but I did know that he was there. He was there and he wanted to help. And this song, this heartbreakingly beautiful song, was doing its best to fix me with every word.


Coldplay - Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Thursday, May 30, 2013

A Waltz We All Dance

Blog Every Day in May

After tucking the baby in for the second time last night, this kiss around 3:45 am, I tossed and turned and tried to turn my brain off. I was stuck on names, whether to keep my new or return to my old, something which has troubled me off and on for the past three years. I tried all my tricks to relax, yet nothing worked, and somewhere in the dark restlessness I remembered today's topic.

Letting Go...

Something that I struggle with. Something that just doesn't come naturally to me. Something that my mind fights into the wee hours of the night.

I hold on to people-- wanting anyone of any importance to stay in my life, even if they simply had a season that has passed. I hold on to mistakes. I hold on to opportunities missed and chances unfulfilled.

And while holding on can be detrimental, it can also breed good. It can make you fight for love and for what you know to be right. It can give you strength to know who you are and what you stand for-- to hold on to yourself. It can give wing to hopes and dreams that you just can't abandon.

So to me, letting go and holding on are in an intricate dance. Sometimes one leads, sometimes the other, and neither is good at taking control when it should. I need to guide them, to choose when to let each shine. I need to allow letting go to take the lead a bit more, but not to have a solo number. While holding on brings sadness and frustration and anger, it can also bring hope. And what is life without hope?

One day we will get it right, letting go and holding on and me. We will display an intricate waltz that's beautiful to all, of turns and steps that have taken years of practice. They will ebb and flow, fluidity at it's finest. People will wonder how I do it, how do I let things go? And the answer will be time. Time and practice. Lots and lots of practice. At least this is my goal: it's a dream that I choose to hold on to.

**Linking to Just Write.**

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Heartbreak Town

Day 29/31 - Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories.

I've been so, so, SO looking forward to this one. Like a kindergartener looks forward to glitter. And that's a lot. 

But friends, I am tired. And this is easy. So many songs speak to me. So many. At the bottom are a few mellow ones that just shoot straight to my heart. They all take me back to my move five years ago. To round that off I've included a piece I wrote on this very thing that I love to go back to every now and then.



(the corresponding song for below)

A Moment Between Lady Gaga and Usher

I'm driving down the road, wind blowing in my hair, enjoying this day, this life, this moment, when all of a sudden a few notes introduce a new song and today slips from around me. Within ten seconds, and a "Could you whisper in my ear..." I am fourteen in a tent in a pitch dark forest. Next to me my best friend Allison is curled up in her sleeping bag with just bought Wal-Mart sweats protecting her from the unexpected cold. We all thought that Orlando would be hot during spring break; sure showed us. I know there is silence around me as the wildlife begins its slumber, but what little noise there is I can't hear through the rhythm in my ears coming from my discman. With this song, these words, I am pouring my heart out to my first love on Hello Kitty stationary as blue as the sky. I tell him I miss him, how I love him, how I wish he were there. I fill one page, two pages, three. I gush and want and need. And I do; I feel all of these things in my fourteen year old heart and my reminiscing mind. "...Oh, May, do you wanna get married and run away?" I do, I do, I do. "I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all..." Our lives are planned; our love is fixed. My heart and mind know nothing else but him and our future and what we have. How could that change? How could something so entrenched in our beings disappear?

Because of this thing called Life. Because as real as everything is at fourteen, we don't see that changes come at us like bullets from all angles. They are big and small and creep in from every corner. And we can't fight them because we aren't prepared. We don't know how to protect ourselves and our most coveted treasures: our love, our relationships, our feelings. We just live it and take it and make it through better and stronger. We come out equipped and ready to face the upcoming storms. But life isn't the same, and most of our treasures are gone. Those that make it through are more deeply entrenched, yet we are stripped of so much. So we rebuild, and we renew, and we use our lessons to cherish and protect the new blessed things thoroughly. And one day we look back at what we had, the innocence and the experiences and the love, and can't believe we were ever there.

Our new lives are wonderful and lived with even more vigor since we know they are precious. But how can we not long for what was, what shaped us, what brought us here? For those times that slipped by without us even realizing they were special? For times that were mundane and every day and "normal"? In life all you take are memories, and all too often they are these trivial ones that you can't shake. They recede to the deep, dark corners of your mind and leap out at you when you least expect them. They take you, body and soul, to a place so real, so good, and so missed that they leave you wanting to buy a return flight to a nonexistent destination. They're done; they're over. But luckily your mind saw the beauty occurring long ago and buried them in songs.  And for those few minutes you can close your eyes and be enveloped again.

So keep listening and keep living. It's comforting to know that your mind looks out for you and holds what you can't consciously. Who knows what we will remember ten years from now, what tent a song will carry us to. What can be assured is these memories will be bittersweet. They will be part of you. And like my song today told me, they will be "little pieces of nothing that fall." Take those moments to breathe them in, and then get back to living your glorious life so down the road you'll still have today. 


A Birthday and a Pictogram


Monday, May 27, 2013

You Make Me Feel Like Dancing

Blog Every GOSH DARN DAY in May
Day 27/31 - A letter to your readers.

This is me...
Baring my soul for you.

(And I'm sorry... You're just that awesome.)

Thank you truly for reading, for commenting, and for loving. 

I'm beyond happy to be part of this fantastic community.



Sunday, May 26, 2013

Tunnel of Love

{hoping to squeeze some of this happiness inducing action in in the next 48 hours.}

Shay and her early posting already beat me to that fact that all I've been reading lately is you.
 You and you and you. 
For twenty. six. days. 

So, I'll leave you with an oldie but goodie from Momastery.
 Pretty short and makes me chuckle every, single time.

**By the way, I did in fact squeak in a post yesterday with an hour to go. holla!*


Saturday, May 25, 2013


There they stood. Two people in a crowd. Two people drawn together by life, tied together by kisses, and wondering what the future held. She was one for words, oodles of words that could take up pages and fill up rooms. He was one for actions, time being the very best gift.

The Austin skyline lit their view standing on that rooftop deck. It was his city; she was just testing the waters. She had needed change, a little shaking up. New people, new experiences, a new opportunity to wipe it all clean and start over. So she moved. With a car and a dog and a trunk full of goods, she crossed the country with hopes to find whatever it was she was looking for.

She wasn't sure what she had found, but she was sure she was happy. It had been right, that much she knew. But he wasn't clear. He held her, he kissed her, his eyes smiled every time they met hers, but he wasn't ready to commit. He wasn't ready to take that leap, to lay his cards down to let her see. He was cautious. He was quiet. He was logical, but love defies logic.

So that night, that clear, warm, August night, when he pulled her to him as though she was his, she couldn't help but smile. It felt right. This night felt right. He'd realize it too, it was in those cards.

"I hope you'll stay. I hope you'll stay for a while."

Not an I love you, not even a commitment, but enough of his heart to show that she was right where she was meant to be. And that this place that had called her to it was indeed exactly what she'd been looking for.

**Linking to On Your Heart and Just Write.**

Friday, May 24, 2013

The Twenty-Fourth Gauntlet

you know why I'm here.
Day 24/31- Your top three worst traits. 

I asked Peyton what my three worst traits were. With far too much speed and a bit too much fervor, he had them written down and was chomping at the bit to let me have it.





I then made sure he knew that quality sleep combats grouchiness.

And plenty of water is calming as well.

Plus exercise. Lots of exercise.

But I digress...


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Beyond the Curriculum

Blog Every Day in May

{this is tegan. she didn't go to school.}
Nearly all that I do daily wasn't taught in school: cooking, cleaning, rocking and changing babies. Maybe if I'd had home-ec I'd actually be better at these things (minus the baby wrangling... I'm pretty good at that.) State capitals and geometry and trigonometry got me no where on this race. No where. 

So today I'm doing the twist. I'm looking at what school did teach me that wasn't in the curriculum. I must have gotten some take home after hmmm, eighteen years?

Perseverance >> If you want something, do it. If you need a 4.0, work as much as you need to to get it. Make a goal and achieve. Don't give up, don't give in.** Even if you don't get there, you will feel oh so good for giving it your all. 

- Procrastination >> If only those up-all-night and printing-papers-two-minutes-before-class-sprints didn't work. It sucks, but it works. I wish I could erase this lesson. I wish it had never coupled with perseverance to make things happen. 

- Tolerance >> There are many, many people who aren't like you. Who don't think the same as you, don't act like you, have different thoughts on life and religion and politics. Everyone's story is different, everyone's walk is different. Maybe your actions of tolerance and understanding will help someone make a change and return the favor to someone else. You will have to deal with SO many different people in your life, so if you can't enjoy what they bring to the table, at least understand that differences are okay. 

So there you have it. Three gifts that school gave me outside of the curriculum, which I guess could just be called life.

What about you? What did school teach you outside of the curriculum? I mean, I guess I could check your blogs and all, and will, but little tidbits are always nice too...

**"Don't give up, don't give in, let me begin... jump around, jump jump jump..." What? You didn't sing it too?


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

A Rant and A Scaphoid... What?

Day 22/31 - Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. 

*Disclaimer: This rant will be kept short and sweet because I have more important things on my blog agenda today. Three in fact, so stick around.*


There are many reasons to hate insurance companies- many, many, MANY- but right now I'd like to talk about the fact that they can choose whether or not to offer maternity benefits. And that the entire state of Texas has opted OUT of offering any benefits. So basically, if you get pregnant in Texas without group coverage from a job, you are SOL, my friends, S.O.L. 

Why had I not known this before? Why were women and men and politicians and children's rights advocates not banging down doors to get it? Pro-life or pro-choice, this should matter. This should be a unifying fight. Women's health matters, fetus' health matters, and I'm not even asking for it to be covered for all as a basic human right. I'm just asking for insurance companies to OFFER to have it covered, you know, because the whole being pregnant thing is kind of important to sustain the human race. I'm pretty sure Texas isn't doing this for population control, either...

My husband is a contractor. His industry has made drastic shifts to this employment method. It's great in some ways, and sucks in others. But the worst suckage is them making it apparent that we shouldn't have another baby, because a healthy delivery will cost $15,000. And that's HEALTHY. uuuggggghhhbkhkbgghhhhh... 

And while I'm itching to rant more, I promised short. It just makes me mad. Very, very mad. 



Now for the fun stuff.

(sorry for the poor quality videos. dang snap chat.)

First up....
Either I can't enunciate or Siri knows about my friend's stripper career that she's kept under wraps.
Her male stripper career, that is.

She may be many things, but a Scaphoid Cowboy she is not.
(Or is she...?)

Next we have...
Me getting a little excited last night watching Dancing With The Stars.
We're proud of you Jacoby. You did us proud. 

(I'm also proud of my coordinated leg weaving with the stars. I think I've found my calling.)

And finally...
 Our farewell to Mr. P's 70's pornstache.

I will treasure these forever. 

Forever and ever. 

Aaaand ever. 


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

A Stroll Down Archive Lane

I ain't bucking this day peeps. Here goes:


A look into P's and my beginnings.

Title says it all. It's quick.

On a day of niceness. 

On Motherhood:

On becoming a mother. 

Babies give the gift of the pause.

How having a baby solidifies you as "old." 

On Life:

On why exactly you need to come to Austin this October. 

Why moms should be celebrated a bit more too.

On politics. I know, how risky.

Because this makes me so happy to read every single time. Plus we won the Super Bowl. Plus Jacoby can dance (and sometimes makes me cry.) 


Monday, May 20, 2013

My Giant Problem

I'm struggling with a lot right now. Like cleaning this house, unpacking countless boxes, fixing actual food, and the fact that it's not yet June and I'm not yet on vacation. 

But I was told to get real, so get real I will. 

I struggle with the fact that I'm taller than my husband. 

I know, I know. I chose it.

Well, I kind of chose it: I chose him. And I love him. And I wouldn't go back and do anything differently in those choices. What's awesome is he doesn't care one bit and I totally love him for that.
This is my struggle, my issue, and it seriously is just so senseless. 

Knowing all of that, I still have to admit that sometimes I just feel like this:

The Jolly Green Giant stomping through the Murray household. 
(Especially since I love me some kale and spinach and salad.)

I don't often talk about it less because of the fact that I'm embarrassed by it and more because I'm embarrassed that it even bothers me. 

I have a man whom I love. A man that loves me to the moon and back and treats me accordingly. Who brings out the best in me and lets me be myself. I'm beyond lucky and I know it. 

Plus friends, it's time we get real. I'm a feminist.
And do feminists worry about crazy stuff like being taller than their husbands?

Mmmmm.. no.

Feminists see that it's culturally created and has no purpose in life whatsoever. They point out how awesome it is to be able to reach the top shelves of cupboards and not have to hem store-bought jeans.

I need to grow up and get back in the twenty-teens or whatever the hell we're going to call them. 

But it's hard. Because I don't want to grow anymore. I want to shrink a bit and make it all perfect and Disney-like.

{even the tramp is taller... it's just ridiculous. via}
But since HGH isn't an option and I don't know of any shrinking potion, I guess I'm going to live with it. 
And luckily I've got a supportive, tall-gal loving man to help me through. 


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Jump On In

*THE most exciting pic of your day, I know.*
{once again, nothing to do with anything. but this was our saturday - lots of 1, 2, 3.. jump!}

The girl threw us bloggers a bone. It's Sunday, we're almost 2/3 finished, and she asked for thee easiest of easy: five favorite blogs. Thank you Jenni. It's nice to see you care.

(Though this is suspiciously like day 5, or at least what I turned day 5 into, but whatevs. I'll take it.) 

Three pre-linkup:

>> Momastery -- HUGE. MASSIVE. Somewhere in the past 2 years it ballooned from about 2,000 followers to eighty kazzilion. Because Glennon is doing something great. With an amazingly inspirational story, hilarious outtakes on being a mom, and missions that actually make a difference in other's lives, she will take you through laughter to tears and back.

>> Suri's Burn Book -- How I keep up with all things celebrity in the most humorous way possible.

>> The Daily Tay -- Check out The Best Week Ever every Friday. It won't disappoint.

Two post-linkup:

>> A Girl, A Story, A Blog -- Miss Shaylynn is just plain likable. From her humor to her honesty to her tremendous love for others, there is no way you won't relate.

>> Downtown on Main -- When I read Peyton Kaitlyn's advice post, he thought I'd written it. Her posts just draw me in every time, and it doesn't hurt that the blog is aesthetically charming.

It's Sunnnday, bloody (mary?) Sundaaaaayy!


Saturday, May 18, 2013

The Dawning of a Musical Miracle

"What's Napster?" Kathryn asked, seeing the little green face on my desktop.

"No idea. Robert told me to download it months ago. It's so confusing that I just leave it alone."

There we sat in my lime green room, Backstreet Boys watching over us from a prime spot on my wall while Christina Aguilera set the mood, trying to figure out what this Napster thing was all about without the help of (then nonexistent) Google. After many minutes spent waiting on load bars and answering AIM pings and trying to figure out exactly what song we wanted, somehow we ended up with two: Video Killed the Radio Star and Tony Orlando's Knock Three Times.

I have no idea how we got them. I'd never heard of either.

We danced around in our Old Navy bell bottoms and belted lyrics like it was our job, adding the Dixie Chicks version of Can't Hurry Love about an hour in. We were ahead of the game, taking technology by the reins and letting loose. CDs be damned- we could get any song we chose.  Well, any song that we chose and could find and actually had an adequate version of but pshhh...  minor details.

High on our Tony Orlando loving horse, we called it a night, leaving ten songs in the queue and waking up to three usable ones in the morning. It was the dawning of a new decade, and it was nothing short of a miracle.


Friday, May 17, 2013

Kicks and Jabs

Just five short days before Declan made his appearance, we got our wherewithal together, picked up the camera, and snapped some maternity shots. While we tend to procrastinate, the end was coming and I realized that it was more important to capture the moment than to have perfect hair and makeup. 


This photo holds a soon-to-be mama full of hope and trepidation and excitement. Unsure about what's ahead, sad about what's behind, and trying to soak in every glorious moment with the little within. I loved that feeling. The knowing that I was important, needed, the carrier of life. The kicks and jabs as he moved around, making his all-important presence known. The tightness of my belly as it accommodated over and over again for more love. I still miss it, and this is just a beautiful reminder that it happened. Even when he is wholly his, he is still mine. And I loved him from the start. 

**Make sure to check out the others shots here.**


Thursday, May 16, 2013

I've Got Nothing and It All.

I've got nothing. Honestly- nothing.

I've let this topic simmer in my mind for a few days, going over all the things I could say and that list is nonexistent. I could make this funny, but I'm just not feeling it.

I had a part right here with a sad story about a sweet little girl passing. It was awful and unlucky and my heart just aches for her and her family. After some debate though, I decided that it wasn't necessary to include. We shouldn't need to see sorrow to appreciate our own gifts. We should be able to look right in front of us and point them out one by one.

My baby is curled up with his blankie sleeping soundly right now. Sure, his chosen lovey might not be the thing my dreams are made of, but it comforts him. I can hug him. I can kiss him. I can say goodbye to my husband as he leaves for work, hoping that I will clean up this beautiful new house we live in. I might go to Whole Foods later, because we have the money to buy quality goods, or I might just take a walk through the neighborhood, because my legs and body are strong and capable.

My "lot in life" is good. Nitpicking just seems wrong today.

**Looking for something a bit more light-hearted? Sneak a peak at yesterday's.**