Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A Strange Breakup

When I got married I thought the agreement was no more breakups. Forever. No more tears and broken hearts. No more trying to go back, hoping to recall what his kiss or hug felt like. But two nights home and I was losing it. Call it the hormones, the utter exhaustion, or the sudden enormous changes that my body and life were undergoing, but the tears were flowing freely. As Peyton sat stroking my hair and listening to my feelings of loss and loneliness, I was taken back to years before with my mom as comforter after painful splits. And then it became clear- another breakup had just occurred.

I've tried to explain it to some and most don't understand, but finishing off the pregnancy was really sad for me. I lucked out overall- besides a few weeks in the beginning and one in the end I was extremely comfortable and truly enjoyed being pregnant. He was my little buddy. I could always drop my hand down to poke at a foot or simply rub around and know that my boy was there. Little messages sent through kicks; an elbow wedged in my rib- I loved it all. It was a relationship built gradually, full of little wonders slow to unfurl. And in a whirlwind of a night, it was done. Our tie was severed and he was now the world's, a beautiful gift for everyone to enjoy.

It's selfish, I know, but I missed him being mine. And not that I didn't want a baby, because of course I was over the moon, I just wanted some transition time. Opening our private bond to the public was a big change that involved loss, heartache, and tears. It was a breakup of sorts and it hurt. A lot.

Like lots if breakups, I knew it was coming. It was the inevitable end to that form of us. What took months to develop was changed in one intense morning. He was there, I was there, but we were different. There was a new dance to learn, one of breastfeeding and soothing and comforting cries. All the security we had built vanished; the knowledge that had been gathered no good. We were starting afresh with my head still spinning.

So as I sat there crying, I realized that my next baby will take time too. Just like with a new guy, you can't just jump in. There's a learning curve. I will have to go through nine patient months, getting used to the new me, the new us, only to have that reality ripped apart again. I will have to suffer that loss and go through the process of reintroduction after having the most intimate of relationships. I will yet again feel empty, because a piece of me will literally be missing. And that is tough, so tough.

But with the end comes a new beginning, and that is simply magical. I wasn't the mother who fell head over heels in love with my baby upon first sight. Please don't get me wrong (especially if you ever read this Declan!); I loved him something fierce. He was a mixture of me and my love, and I was and always will be in complete awe over that. I was simply overwhelmed with feelings- sadness over the end, excitement for the future, love for this innocent little man, and complete shock that this all just happened. But as the days went by and I got to know him for him, how he uses his hands when he feeds or his sweet mew of a cry, I fell hard. It might not be the same as it was before, but he still is my little kicker. And I know as each day passes and my love expands, our new relationship will far outgrow our original one.


Sunday, May 27, 2012

Pictures, Pictures!

In this rare moment where I am not being used as a milk machine, I decided to do a photo dump of the last few weeks. I have lots to say, more to document, and the birth photos/story to share, but this is an idea of what little Declan's first two weeks of life was like- eat, sleep, repeat.

{3d: first car ride}

{3d: welcome home!}


{6d: Grandpa arrives!}

{6 days}

{Tegan + Declan = BFF?}

{1w: Chillin' like a villain}

{1w: First walk with mom and dad}

{1w: First sponge bath at home}

{1w: Don't mess with baby Dex}

{1w1d: First visit with Doug, Katy, Celeste, and Parker!}

{1w1d: Newest addition to the ever-growing gang}

{1w5d: Getting some mama kisses}

{1 week 5 days}

{1w5d: Visit from Betsy and Hayley}

{1 week 6 days}

{1w6d: First bath}

{1w6d: Loving his grandma time}

{1w6d: The Brunyates and little Brunyate-Murray}

{1 week 6 days}

{2 weeks}

{2 weeks}

{2w: Sweet, sweet baby sleep}

{2 weeks}

{2w1d: A much needed rejuvenating morning after a tougher night}

{2w1d: My two favorite guys}

{2w1d: Please stay so sweet forever}

What a pleasure it has been to experience this magical time with you darling boy. xoxo


Friday, May 18, 2012

One Week

All week we have been reliving what transpired at "this" moment the Friday before. Different hours have brought different events that we were living through two three six days prior, from when the first contraction started at midnight to me going to wake my mom at two a.m. As I write this sentence I'm remembering how a week ago at this moment I was doing a practice push, then being told I had to tape my legs shut for another forty-five minutes until all the antibiotics had dripped. And in t-minus one hour and thirty-sixfive minutes our son had just entered this great big world. (He will be celebrating boob-in-mouth, most definitely his favorite pasttime.) It's mind-boggling to me how these short moments all combined to create the most life-changing experience, one that turned me into a mother.

This week has been long- full of little wonders, tears, scares, and lots of hours spent fawning over a tiny, new life. It is hard to imagine that just over a week ago I was sitting around with intense back pain trying to figure out what activities would get me through the following seven days. Friday would bring a trip to the yarn store to get goods for a hat, Saturday a hair trim to soften the edges of my recent cut, and all the hours in between and all around would be filled with food, movies, and gab. But then nature took control and gave me no choice, shoved me into a pain so intense that my body has already rejected those memories. It took me down a road with no return ticket and gave me sweet Declan at the end. All the plans in the world couldn't have topped Mother Nature's.

I have many moments that I want to write about but haven't had a chance, from his birth to my emotions to posting pictures of the most precious boy ever. But right now I'm realizing that we are stepping away from that day and into an unknown life, where counting down what happened at "this" moment x-days ago is unlikely and living in the present is what will count. That day was so special and yet so short. And that's simply what life is- countless small moments that often fly by too fast, some so lovely they hurt and others so painful we long to step away, but all important in the grand equation. So instead of focusing on those nine hours that brought us to our "now", I will strive to focus on the daily occurences that prove how completely glorious this "now" is.


Monday, May 7, 2012

Takin' It Easy

We had our first labor scare this weekend. Everything is totally fine: no hospitals were visited, no major meltdowns ensued, and no water broke. But it was a wide and clear wake up call that this baby is coming. And according to my body and doctors, he could have been coming any day now for the past two and a half weeks. This long wait makes it seem even less likely that "any day" is today, when in all actuality it makes it more likely since we simply are running out of time! So when I started having contractions and back pain in a breastfeeding class (so helpful and useful, by the way) I realized that I have not actually thought about the possibility that my mom won't be here. And when it really hit home that if the baby made his big debut last night that my mom would not be there, that the house was dirty, that the bag wasn't packed (I have everything stacked now, okay?? Baby steps. *pun most certainly intended*), let's just say that I kind of started to panic a bit. Everything became real. The fact that I had been working hard to clean the car all morning and then not eating enough and pushing myself to go to the class flew in my face in a "Why couldn't I just have waited until WEDNESDAY?!" kind of moment, where reality was a bit of a suckerpunch to the gut... Or that could have been the contractions. But we will go with reality.

The fact is simply that my mom arrives Wednesday afternoon and I am keeping my legs crossed until then. I'm sending the little guy lots of vibes and texts telling him that an earlier arrival is inappropriate. And I'm definitely realizing that when the doctors are wrong and we are sitting around the house at 41 weeks cursing time and heat, I might rue these words. But really, things like cleaning the house or packing a bag are pretty surmountable issues compared to getting a private jet to shuttle my mom down on a moments notice. And moms can be kind of priceless. So in waiting for Wednesday I am just going to take it easy. 

Taking it easy = trying not to go stir crazy = 
- Blog post extravaganza!
- A big two-thumbs up for Moneyball
- Taking my first (and maybe last?!) pregnant float in our neighborhood pool
- Prepping cloth diapers for a total of six hours
- Hoping that Lifetime is showing Grey's Anatomy reruns from 12-3 this week
- Attempting to pop out some home-knit wonders

What can I say Austin? I lead a wild and crazy life. But watch out... Come Wednesday, it is on like full-term pregnant donkey kong!


Sunday, May 6, 2012

Thirty-Eight Week Photos

Knowing that the pregnancy really is about to end gave us the motivation to take a few photos of the last precious moments that sweet boy is a captive man. I'm lucky to have a nice camera, and even luckier to have such a talented man behind it. Here are a few shots from week thirty-eight. 


Millet "Fried Rice"

I had some leftover millet on hand so decided to try making some asian "fried rice" out of it. It would also work with other grains or veggies that you are looking to use up. Yummy and healthy!

2-3 cup Millet
2 Carrots, chopped
Half onion, chopped
Handful of mushrooms, chopped
1 cup peas
3-4 Green Onions, chopped
1-2 tbsp. Sesame Oil
Soy Sauce
Miren Wine
Sesame Seeds

Saute carrots, onion, and mushrooms in oil until soft. Add green onions, peas, and millet, sauteing for a minute to get a bit crispy. Add dashes of soy sauce and miren to taste. Sprinkle on sesame seeds.