Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Baby's Guide To The Galaxy: The Morning Wake Up

My friends, my following, my homies.

Since starting school I've become privy to the fact that some youngins' (clearly not self-respecting enough to be called toddlers) do not know the proper way to wake up in the morning. 

These children seem to think that the morning is their oyster. That you can take your time, flutter your eyes, read books, and generally bask in a pool of laziness as the sun shines through your crib slats and your parents lounge the morning away. It's utterly absurd, I know

So I thought I'd do a little guest post to teach them how it's done. 

Let's start with the basics: no parent deserves to wake up peacefully. They need to know exactly who's in charge. If you let them take their time and do their thing then nothing will EVER get done and they'll just keep pushing it later and later until no one gets up until 8:00 am. And that, my friends, is blasphemy. 

Begin with wakeup time. I like to start around 6:30 (okay, okay mom geeez... 7:00! (or 7:30.) But that's just recently and until the time change. Just you wait mi madre, just you wait.) My family has decided to block my windows with dark covers to try to fool me into sleep. And I'm embarrassed to say that it occasionally works. OCCASIONALLY okay? But I'm working on that. Everyone has their weaknesses. 

So you wake up at 6:30. You have every opportunity to read a book or get mesmerized by those dang boats hanging above you while boats should be in water and how exactly does this work?!, but fight it. In fact, throw your books to the ground. Push ALL your books from the bookshelf if you have the luxury. Basically just make a mess. It's invigorating and gets the muscles going. 

Next are the lungs. Breathe in deeply, hold it for five, four, three, two, one, then- "MAAAAAA-MA!" in as loud and shrieky of a voice as you can muster. Some people apparently like "nice voices" so be sure to follow that up with a quick, quiet, "mama, please." Wait 60 seconds and repeat. 

Now you're sure to have gotten their attention. If your brain is so advanced that you understand how to string two words together, then by all means begin with mama again, but it's really not necessary. The next thing to announce is your first demand. Mine always happens to be oatmeal since it's warm goo sent from angels above. But you know, you might like pancakes or toast or something that less sophisticated children eat. So be it. Again you take a deep breath in and release that bad boy with an "OOOOOAAAAMEAL!", "oatmeal please." This let's them know that you mean business, and that oatmeal had better be on the table STAT.

They should arrive shortly to retrieve you from your confines, but have no patience when they take you to the kitchen and your breakfast is not ready. None. They knew better. Tell them repeatedly, over and over and over, exactly what you want. If you're feeling so generous, once they begin making said food maybe request a little filler like cereal or a waffle to tide you over. And when I say request, I mean demand. Repeatedly. Throw your body on the floor if need be. Run to your room to show them your distress. Take great measures to show them just how much you need that cereal in your hands. And not just a bowl of cereal... no. YOU are in charge and deserve the whole bag. Don't settle for less my little friend. 

Then comes the grand moment when your food is ready. I like to help prepare mine on a plate with brown sugar, peanut butter, cinnamon, and raisins. There's some mixing and blending and all sorts of delicious work at hand. It's good to occasionally give in when they ask you to sit at the table when you really want to eat on the carpet, but if you see that look in their eye then don't push it. Just give a little "chill out yo, I got this," carry your plate to the table and take your first bite. But for some reason, some STRANGE reason, it may not be the perfection you imagined. And my advice to you when this happens, young tot, is to cry. And scream. And possibly throw your spoon after waving all the food off of it. Maybe even do a little more sobbing throughout the house as you run to your room maniacally. It gets the point across that tomorrow this better be done right. This is tiring though, so eventually just eat the stuff. Because then, then comes the redemption. 

Right when you think you're about done your mom will sit down with hers. And let me remind you - mom's food is always better. So demand it. Demand that whole bowl if you have to. It's yours, really. She brought you into this world so thus must keep you nourished. And nothing in the world will make you happier than devouring her bowl of food as she sits eating the remnants of yours. Nothing. If you've followed my previous steps then the groundwork has been laid that you mean business. You've chiseled away at their resolve and there's nothing like worn-down parents for getting what you want. So eat in peace my friend, eat in peace. Your day has now begun.