37 Weeks (...and 5 days)

{written on Sunday... Though I am, in fact, enjoying another morning of alone time thanks to a sweet, sweet friend.}

I have a distinct memory of when I fell for iPods. (kind of like I remember my first time with napster... apparently I have close relationships with my music providers.)

My eighteenth birthday held a bad breakup which knocked me down for quite some time, and after being pushed to pick a present for a few weeks, I landed on an iPod. Why I needed it when there were discmen, I didn't know, but I really didn't care much about anything. So I got this iPod, a big old classic white one, downloaded my music, and went back to my depression.

The next day was gloomy and there was school and tears and all I wanted was to leave the world and curl up alone. But instead, I put in those new earbuds, lifted my hood, and trudged through campus. And that's when my soul and the world truly united. "Round Here" by the Counting Crows serenaded me as a chilling rain fell down, and somehow all the grey on my inside and outside connected and I felt at peace. From there on out Apple and I were besties.

All of this to say, I had another perfect moment like that today.

I'm feeling moody. Ready for this to be over and done with; ready to feel normal and energetic again; ready for my abs to not rip apart when I lift my son or bend over. Mornings are getting to be a battle as I wake up and am accosted by demands- a crying boy who wants something he can't explain, a dog who needs out then food then out again, a cat needing in and more food as well. There is so much noise and whining and barking and crying and I just can't seem to find the patience from deep within to deal. So today Peyton sweetly took Declan out and as a storm rolled in, I leashed Tegan up and hit the streets.

We walked and walked and walked some more, as it started to drizzle then rain then pour. And as she peeked at me to see if it was over, I looked ahead at the sheet of rain and felt connected. Alone for once but encompassed by a world that also felt this same darkness. My shoes were wet. My face was numb. My pants were soaked through. And as the wind hit my thighs I felt the bitter sting of cold, a sensation that in that moment I loved. Nature met my internal discomfort externally and once again all felt right about feeling this blue.

So these are my feelings at 37 weeks. Basically I've hit the primal animal instinct stage to go nest and be alone. Sadly, as deeply as I crave it, this isn't at all possible; so instead I will settle for a few hours on a Sunday morning as the rain pitter-pats outside, showering and dressing and working to that same melancholy music that nestles in my soul, and taking important moments by myself to just breathe.

And those things together equal magic.

**If you have any depressing/melancholy/soul-stirring music that you'd like to share I'd love to hear it! I am always on the lookout for more of that goodness. 

(You see, I can like all sorts of things Tisse... INCLUDING ONE DIRECTION. ;))**

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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