I've tried to explain it to some and most don't understand, but finishing off the pregnancy was really sad for me. I lucked out overall- besides a few weeks in the beginning and one in the end I was extremely comfortable and truly enjoyed being pregnant. He was my little buddy. I could always drop my hand down to poke at a foot or simply rub around and know that my boy was there. Little messages sent through kicks; an elbow wedged in my rib- I loved it all. It was a relationship built gradually, full of little wonders slow to unfurl. And in a whirlwind of a night, it was done. Our tie was severed and he was now the world's, a beautiful gift for everyone to enjoy.
It's selfish, I know, but I missed him being mine. And not that I didn't want a baby, because of course I was over the moon, I just wanted some transition time. Opening our private bond to the public was a big change that involved loss, heartache, and tears. It was a breakup of sorts and it hurt. A lot.
Like lots if breakups, I knew it was coming. It was the inevitable end to that form of us. What took months to develop was changed in one intense morning. He was there, I was there, but we were different. There was a new dance to learn, one of breastfeeding and soothing and comforting cries. All the security we had built vanished; the knowledge that had been gathered no good. We were starting afresh with my head still spinning.
So as I sat there crying, I realized that my next baby will take time too. Just like with a new guy, you can't just jump in. There's a learning curve. I will have to go through nine patient months, getting used to the new me, the new us, only to have that reality ripped apart again. I will have to suffer that loss and go through the process of reintroduction after having the most intimate of relationships. I will yet again feel empty, because a piece of me will literally be missing. And that is tough, so tough.
But with the end comes a new beginning, and that is simply magical. I wasn't the mother who fell head over heels in love with my baby upon first sight. Please don't get me wrong (especially if you ever read this Declan!); I loved him something fierce. He was a mixture of me and my love, and I was and always will be in complete awe over that. I was simply overwhelmed with feelings- sadness over the end, excitement for the future, love for this innocent little man, and complete shock that this all just happened. But as the days went by and I got to know him for him, how he uses his hands when he feeds or his sweet mew of a cry, I fell hard. It might not be the same as it was before, but he still is my little kicker. And I know as each day passes and my love expands, our new relationship will far outgrow our original one.
LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE
