And I Will Try To Fix You

And with this, so concludes the...

Blog Every Day in May Challenge.

Day 31/31 - A vivid memory. 

Disclaimer: This is not a memory of my wedding day. This is a memory of a single moment and the reasons why that moment was so powerful. I look back on that day and smile. I smile the biggest smile that my face can hold. It had a rough start, but became a day full of so much love and laughter that I could barely soak it all in. Our wedding was gorgeous, our reception was magical, and I would JUMP to do it all again. And one day I will write about ALL the good, when I have the time and energy to get that massive quantity down.

That being said, this memory is the hardest to share. It is/was so emotional, in a way that words can't explain. We both knew as it was happening that this was the moment to look down on from above, to lock into a safe place forever. It was beautiful and heart-wrenching, but it wrapped our day up perfectly. I loved it and loathed it and this song still has the power to bring it all rushing back.

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Our day did not start as planned. It was not full of love, it was not full of manis and pedis and mimosas and crisp, clean robes. It was full of utter exhaustion, tears of frustration and words a bit harsh as we tore around getting things done: tables set up, chairs unfolded, everything in the perfect place for the occasion. It was one of the worst mornings of my life, hard and draining and not the way I wanted my day to begin.

But we made it through. We got past the rough morning to say "I do," sealing our love and promises with a kiss. We took photos, made speeches, twirled around the dance floor and laughed with everyone we love. It was exhilarating and it was beautiful. The biggest high I could imagine.

When night had fallen and only the partiers remained, we got on the dance floor once more together, to the song that was too sad to be our first. Lights twinkled above, the late September air wrapped itself around us, and we let ourselves go to the song written for that day- Fix You.

How I wish it didn't fit. How I wish that I didn't have pent-up emotions to release or things to work through. But I did. While it had been blindingly beautiful, it had also been hard.  It had been ours. Our wedding, our day. The joy and pain were so deeply intertwined. I was raw and had no energy to start sifting through. But this song spoke to me. It allowed a little chunk to come loose, to make its way down me and through him. It shouldered some of the burden and allowed for apologies, both spoken and un.

So as tears rolled down my face on that dance floor, Peyton pulled me closer, whispering the words I so needed to hear. The lights guided us home to each other, right there spinning around. And I may not have known if lessons would be learned or how I would let this go, but I did know that he was there. He was there and he wanted to help. And this song, this heartbreakingly beautiful song, was doing its best to fix me with every word.

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Coldplay - Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

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