Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Baby's Guide to the Galaxy: A Guest Post by Declan

Declan here. Thought I'd take day two for mom since she was clearly struggling with this one. Prompt says to "educate us on something you know a lot about or are good at." I said, "Woman, you've been here for centuries and can't figure it out?! I'm not even a year new and have this whole 'being a baby thing' down!"

So I pushed her aside, slammed my chubby finger nuggets on the keyboard, and commandeered this ship. It took a while to realize chewing on the screen did nothing but make her mad, so I respectfully stopped and have taken to more refined forms of Mac usage.

So without further adieu (doo... doo... teehee. That's right, I said it.), let's get this show on the road. I've got an attention span of about 2 minutes and dog bowls to go explore.


Being a baby seems simple enough- wake up, eat, play, sleep, repeat- but really there are subtle complexities that are hard to master. For instance, communication. Let's say that I want something but mom isn't looking. I try the civilized approach of asking for the object of my desire, but this just leads to her losing it a bit with sounds like "aaabbabababa" and "mamamamaaa." Doesn't she see that I can't understand this gibberish?!?

So, I try again, this time a little less politely by grabbing the object. She must think I'm confused as she snatches my prize away telling me, "No. Not for you." Thank goodness she's gotten speech patterns back, but what is this "No" she speaks of? Clearly she's not getting the point. We've reached the last resort: screaming. Works every time. Understanding flashes in her eyes, the toy is returned to its rightful owner, and silence becomes hers. I'm not one for dramatics, but being a bit of a queen certainly has its time and place my friends.

Then there's exploration. A self-respecting baby can't go haphazardly around the house, hoping to find something of interest, without putting in a little work. You gotta dig a little. Hit up boxes, bags, drawers. Stand up to reach tables. Take everything out, one-by-one. Examine carefully. If you're not interested just chuck it behind your back. No need to waste your time with useless things! Eventually you'll hit the jackpot with prizes like keys or markers or remotes. Enjoy while you can though, because it won't be yours for long. Decide beforehand if you're willing to pull out the big guns when it's taken or simply move on to the next goody. If she catches you off guard, the prize will be gone before you can say "diaper change."

Finally, we have sleeping. They know you want it, you know you want it, but there's some nagging piece of you that is certain you are missing out on the biggest party of. your. life. I mean, you can't close your eyes when your gut knows that this happened to be the moment that Big Bird, Tigger, and ALL the Backyardigans happened to show up at your door now can you?! They probably even brought cookies with actual sugar, music from Rocknoceros, and balloons that fly!

Hello, people- do what you can to make it clear that this just ain't happening. Stand up and bounce. Drop your pacifier and blankie to the ground. Find your backup and throw that too.  If you have the luxury, throw the measly offering of books to the floor for louder effect. Start screaming for attention. Reach the bookshelf and yank those books off too. Yank at the paper blinds. Better yet, tear those sun blockers down. Roll around some, making sure to kick the sides as much as possible. Start to cry because now you really want your pacifier but it's on the floor. Stand up again, this time getting a bit frantic, not sure what time it is or how long you've been locked away. Keep your eyes open even though they seem to have a mind of their own. Lie down for said energy to keep eyes open. Whimper a little, making sure they know you want to party. Must. Keep. Eyes. Open. Then BAM! There's mom. Asking about your nap and saying you finally got to sleep. "Whatever. I was just checking my eyelids for holes." There's always tomorrow.

And with that I've gotta call this the end. I've got a diaper that I can't wait to share, a cat just waiting to be attacked, and some pans that are far too quiet without me.

As I said, I'm a pro at being a baby, so feel free to hit me up anytime for more tricks. You can follow along (since, oh yes, I'll be back) or give me a ring. Number's 1-800-IMA-BABY.


**Check out day two of Blog Every Day in May at Story Of My Life!**


LIVE THE MURRAYED LIFE

18 comments:

  1. What a proper and violent baby he is.

    I throw fits too. It's fair.

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    1. That's why he's teaching all other babies out there. He knows what's up!

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  2. *me on the floor, dead from laughter*

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    1. I'm so glad my mama at nap time misery is amusing to someone! ;)

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  3. I absolutely love this - so funny. Good job Declan!

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    1. Thanks Simon!! Ditto to you from the post above.

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  4. Oh my god. How cute is he?! Love it!

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    1. That pic is one of my favorites of this whole year. I just want to smoosh his face every time I see it!

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  5. Haha, this post cracks me up! What a sweet baby. It must be so hard to not be able to just tell people what you want, right!?
    one sweet tuesday.

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    1. SOO hard. And it definitely is getting more frustrating since he knows what he wants but can't express it. But when he does his whole face lights up!

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  6. I LOVE this. So cute. My youngest is 8 months right now and I can totally imagine him thinking these same things, especially the part about exploration :) . And his face, soooo sweet. Big fan of this post :) ~ Melissa @ Running Around for No Reason

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  7. Hmmmm I think Blogger ate my first comment. I just love this soooo much! My youngest is 8 months old and I can totally imagine him saying all of this.

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  8. Adorable! And such a fun idea for a post.

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  9. Thanks for commenting on my site. I'm glad I checked out this post. Cutest guest blogger ever. :)

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  10. nooo,,
    i'm dying of too much cuteness.

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  11. Hahaha this is super cute!!

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