"Things that make you uncomfortable."
First off Jenni- this. THIS makes me uncomfortable. And probably the whole dang blogging world. Thanks a ton for that one.
Right up there with writing this are the obvious, like:
- When my friends want to shoplift something silly like Hamburger Helper or H&M accessories. Save it for the big guns, ladies.
- When Peyton decides that now is a good time to pull his pants down, no matter where we are.
- When unattractive junkies don't respect my space and start shooting up, right then and there.
*Aaaaannnd.... cue the crickets*
I kid, I kid. While none of these have or hopefully will happen to me, I'm pretty sure they'd make my palms get a little moist. Now you can add "reading awkward blog posts" to your lists. You're welcome.
On to the serious stuff.
First up is acknowledging death. I was going to try to write a whole post on this, but it makes me so uncomfortable I didn't even know where to begin. (Because apparently pushing mental boundaries is another thing that tests my comfort...) I have no idea what to say to people who've just lost someone. It's like I have all these feelings and love and sympathies but just know that words won't do them justice. So instead I just shut down and don't try. It makes me feel bad. It makes the situation awkward. But saying "I'm sorry" often has the same effect since I'm sure they've heard it a thousand-kagillion times and what do they say to that?! "It's okay"??! I know it's not truthful and bam! More discomfort. I need to get better but really hope I don't have chances to practice.
Then there is End of the World talk. I just can't take it. Plug my ears with a "la-la-la-la" and smack Peyton 'til he stops kind of uncomfortable. While deep down I know the Mayan calendars, gamma ray bursts, and comets will probably not come to fruition anytime in the near future, they COULD! I don't want to live through it, don't want anyone else to live through it, and almost don't want to have any more babies just in case our lineage has to deal with it millennia down the line. (Squishy baby cheeks trump the last one though, so I end up scooching those fears off to the corner.)
And I've left the worst for last: sitting in my car waiting for the light to change with a panhandler mere feet away. I've tried the eye contact and smiling thing. But then there is the awkward three minutes of them standing there and me pretending to play with the radio or look at my phone or talk to the baby while their mental waves penetrate my thoughts. I don't want to not recognize the fact that a human being is standing right beside my window, but I also feel like recognizing turns the situation into a black hole that I'm not always prepared to go down. I used to give meals, but got tired of having the receivers just throw it to the side. But maybe, just maybe, there's another way? I once changed my shirt while waiting for the green light, only to turn and see an older man applauding with two thumbs up. Surprisingly enough, no awkwardness!! And it might not be money, but I'm pretty sure I made his day.
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